Lucy is starting over…Lucy is at the end….Lucy…

This is the song I am listening to right now by one of my all time favorite groups, Over the Rhine.  In December, I started to associate with the character Lucy from The Chronicles of Narnia.   There is another line in this song, “Lucy, it is not as bad as you think.” 

I confess that I tend to sometimes tend toward the Eeyoer side of the picture .  What I have gone through in the last few months has been a constant struggle to hold to an unmoving Lamppost that transports me from my circumstances to a story being written beyond me.  I am not claiming to be a martyr or a judge, simply a character in this play of life that we all are living and stumbling through at times.

I have been called away from a close circle of friends and it has not been a chapter that I would have chosen in my life.  I’ve heard and seen more pain in the last few months done at the hands of those claiming to be friends than I care to ever see again.  In the same breath, I know everyone in my life, including myself,  is trying to follow what they feel is right, true and based on their convictions.

In Prince Caspian, Lucy is left while those she loves go to storm the castle of the “bad guys” and she feels the weight of aloneness.  She also at this point in the movie is the only one of her gang that has seen and heard Aslan call to her.   She doubts this because no one believes her or has had the similar experience.   She doubts herself and her own convictions because those around her refuse to follow.  Eventually, she is forced to find Aslan, the situation is dire and those around her implore her to seek and find that what she thinks she has heard and seen. 

Beautifully, Aslan meets her and their reunion is sweet and bitter at the same time.   She expresses that she knew she saw Him, heard Him but the others would not believe her.  He then says, “And why would that keep you from coming to me?”.  Her face sobers and she is sitting with the gravity of the “what ifs” of the situations she has lived in.  She expresses thoughts like, “If I’d have come earlier, would everyone who died…could I have stopped that?”  To which Aslan replies, “We could never know what could have happened Lucy, but what will happen is another matter entirely.” 

I’ve struggled and sat in the “what if’s?” a lot, too much.  Now I am looking to the “what will happen”….it requires a lot of letting go and grace and trust.  I am learning that often times God brings me to the end of myself and my circumstances so that I finally let go, so that I finally enter the woods knowing that I will find Him there.

Lucy is starting over…Lucy is at the end…Lucy!

 

Licensing

I grew up with guns.  My dad had his own room dedicated to manliness (aka guns and reloading materials) and I had nothing but a healthy respect when I entered the barn door that he affixed to the door jamb to welcome people to his space, his passion, his sanctuary.  He has talked to me about  an innate desire as a boy to swing a stick and developed a desire to hunt early in his life.  His oldest grandson is my oldest son, Jake.  Let’s just say that what my dad speaks of runs in the family. Jake has this desire for hunting, swatting at things with sticks, swords, machetes, etc., being fascinated with knives and many other characteristics that I as a mother do not completely understand.  I do know though that to squash it because of my own fear or feelings would not be a good thing. 

I was thrilled when I found out that Jake was old enough to enroll in Hunter’s Safety Class and the fact that it was initiated because of a hunt Roger wanted to take him on in November was even better.   This past week Roger and Jake started their Hunter’s Safety Course.  They had to be in class for 3 hours during three evenings last week.  It just so happened that the nights they were off class were nights Jake had soccer and then it was Saturday morning and this was the final class and the day of THE test.  It was a full week for a 12-year-old.  He even stayed caught up on his homework in the little free time he had to himself.

Jake’s enthusiasm and desire was present has he listened and responded to the questions of those presenting the class.  He took online quizzes to prepare for the big test on Saturday.   The results were a little on the edge of passing and so when they left the house I was projecting confidence onto him.  I encouraged with words like, “don’t rush, think about your answers, take your time.” 

Jake was nervous.  I went about my morning doing random household things and yet the whole time I was aware that this was a big day for him.  What if he did not pass?  Could we handle walking him through this disappointment without him agreeing with failure?  I thought about heartaches I had growing up and how my parent’s tried to comfort me and I thought for sure my life was ending (much of these incidents revolved around boyfriends and the shortness of a relationship I was sure was the real thing).   I prayed a lot Saturday morning for Jake and knew that whatever happened we would face it with him and I did not need to fear the outcome.  Is there a class I can attend to get my Mothering with Wisdom and Safety License?

Right before noon I got the call, it was Jake, and he PASSED!!!!  I was thrilled beyond measure because I knew how much it meant to him and I also knew I preferred this much more than the alternative.  I know those times are ahead for us yet, times of pain and suffering that our boys will endure, times that I can’t fix with my words or my actions but must trust their hearts to the Maker of theirs and the comfort that He can supernaturally bring above what I can offer.

I am starting to understand why mother’s have said to me in years past that the little years by far are the easiest.  They are exhausting in a physical way that even now I don’t know how I survived, but entering into the years ahead where their hearts are at stake seem to feel even weightier.   I plan to pray a lot, take it one day at a time and rejoice in those moments like this past Saturday. 

Congrats Jakob, I am so proud of your accomplishment but even more touched by the gift that you are to my life.  I love you.

 

Back in the Saddle Again….

Do you remember that song?  It sort of plays in the recesses of my mind at about 12 years old.  I feel like I am sitting cross-legged on the shag, brown family room carpet and staring into our 19 inch black and white television set.  The crickets are chirping outside and the sweet, humid smell of a Nebraska night is floating through the window….

I’ve been lame at blogging and I do re-enter this space again with some regret of the great moments of the summer that could have been posted in infamy on this crazy word press page and instead are only posted in the memories of my mind and heart ~ which do count for something.   In my defense we were not home much this summer.  We spent a lot of time at Norm’s Resort (aka grandpa and grandma’s house) on Lake Whatcom.  It was a hot summer for NW Washington and staring at our 5 acres of dust and brush was not that appealing to us on hot afternoons, so we packed it up (I had it all down to a science) and headed out to cool waters and the sound of much laughter and summer in the air.

My highlight in July was spending around 10 days in Long Beach, Washington, with family and friends.  Time stops there and you are forced to give in to a lazy pace that revolves around the weather patterns and what’s for dinner or what kind of something is being shaken up or poured or mixed in the kitchen.  The fourth of July is always a hit there and we took that in like we always do ~ cram as much fun as possible into one day! 

In August  it was 20 year reunion time for both myself and Roger and we had 2 week-ends in a row of festivities.  In between we took another trip with just our fabulous five (me, him, jake, parker, karson) to Long Beach for a little family time.  We had a great couple of days there taking in the sea, building birdhouses, exploring, eating good food, and chillaxin’ together.  We drove Highway 101 down the coast to Dallas, Oregon and then hung out there with my parents for a few days and also took in the reunion of Dallas High Class of 1989.  When we got back I had a couple of days to unpack and pack again for a trip that I took to Colorado with four friends to attend the Captivating Women’s conference at Crooked Creek YL Ranch.  I am still absorbing all that God spoke and worked in my heart during those four days away.  The words He spoke were life-giving, sweet and moved and stirred my heart toward embracing my role in His Kingdom agenda. 

I sit here in mid September and realize how much our fall schedule is underway with school, soccer, days filled with routine and nights of homework and early bedtimes.   The boys are starting to settle into their 6th, 2nd and Kindergarten classes.  I am grateful for their teachers and the school they are still able to attend even though we moved to a new location in town (their first day of school picture is refusing to go vertical in this post ~ ugh!).  I am enjoying where we are at right now in life.  God healed my heart this summer and the ache over the lakehouse that we sold earlier this year is there but not in a gut-wrenching way.  I am looking forward to what He wants to continue to show us about where He wants us and why.   So, as the last few days of official summer (on  the equinox system) come to an end I am filled with memories and gratitude of what the last months have held and the memories and messages of the Summer of 2009 will not be ones forgotten.

 

Isn’t it Great that Parker is Eight?

Well as the final hours of this day draw near I want to celebrate my middle son, Parker, with a birthday post in his honor.  I’m enjoying a quiet house at the moment as the boys are off camping with dad this Father’s Day weekend.  Parker has been hoping for a trip to Twisp to camp on his birthday and this year it perfectly fell on a Saturday that was declared a camping weekend.   Sending them all on their way with out me was a mixed bag of emotion but I know that staying home was the right choice for this year.  My heart has thought of Parker throughout this day and hoped he was having an amazing day in the woods.

Parker, you are such a light in my life.  You bring such joy to my life and when I brought you home from the hospital on my 30th birthday it was the best gift ever!!  Here are some thoughts that come to my mind when I think about you:

*your big, blue eyes full of life

*your love of animals, bugs, reptiles and birds

*your heart of love for others

*your understanding of how much God loves us.  I remember one time when you said to me, “Mom, God’s loving is so loving that He can’t unlove us….” and I was amazed at the profoundness of that statement.

*the way you pray for others in your life with descriptions to God about all the reasons why someone needs His help.

*your love for reading and math

*your place in our family that is unique and only filled by you; and

*the excitement of the year ahead of you and all the growth and change that will happen in this year 8 of your life.

There is much more dear son, but here are a few things in this moment, on this day that I wanted to share about you.  Happy Birthday Parker!!

 

Dazed, Detached, Grey, Wilderness…..

All of these words could describe some of what I have been feeling in the last weeks.   Although I have had enormous moments of joy and fun it feels like there is a part of myself that is in limbo and when the quiet moments come it feels like I am wandering around in the wilderness of my heart.   I’ve identified with the children of Israel who were promised a land of their own and yet wandered around in the desert for 40 years before the promise was realized.   Honestly, 40 years of wilderness is not something that I am up for, and truly my heart wants to embrace this time as much as I embrace the happiness that my life holds.

How do I wander in the wilderness without bitterness setting in?  How do I be real with my feelings without sounding ungrateful for all the blessings in my life?  How do I not waste this trial by wishing it away?  How do I not miss life going on around me because I do feel dazed? Remembering the promise of peace that God gave me when this all started with movement in my heart is the start of the how.  Also living with my eyes wide open to the romance of life around me in the moment, even if I do feel like the dust and dirt of the wilderness is there.

For instance…..

*A few weeks ago we had a hummingbird trapped in our garage and I knew that it was not a coincidence.   That crazy little bird would not free itself no matter what the boys and I did.  We even snapped a few pictures because it felt like a rare moment presenting itself to us.  Then, I was given a beautiful gift with an equally beautiful card by a dear friend and here is what the insert said:

“Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.  Hummingbirds open our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends.  Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday.  The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation….”

How great is that?  For me it was profound because it contained so much of what my heart is crying for at the moment and the promise that life is meant to be celebrated in the moments we are given.  I guess I am fighting to believe that I am not missing the moments.  I don’t want to but at the same time I honestly feel like sometimes that I am outside of myself watching another person’s life go on around me.  Then there are other times I feel deeply connected to every part of myself.

For instance….

*I was worshiping the other night with some good friends and at the end of the song, “Fragrant Offering” by Rita Springer my arms were outstretched and I seriously felt like my fingers and arms were meet with the outstretched arms and intertwined fingers of Jesus.  Breathtakingly intimate and wonderful.

At the end of May a few of my dear friends and I headed out to retreat at Veranda Beach in north, central Washington and our time was priceless together.  We had deep talks, prayers and worship times together but we also had SO much fun.  Swimming the length of the pool without breathing, playing volleyball, doing crazy stunts at the lakeside, cheering for wake boarders passing by like we were teenagers…..outrageous fun is necessary.  I wonder sometimes why it seems so hard to find at the age of 37? (I can say that for another 10 days.)  I know I am rambling but I guess as the days slip by during this time I am in I do hope for more romance from my ultimate Love, to see the world around me and what is being offered, to have crazy, silly fun with my boys, my friends and family.

In closing this post I want to share a verse that I put on the front of a mixed CD that I recently made called Movement.  It contains a mix of songs from a variety of artists that all have to do in some way with movement of the heart and life.  This is the verse that I want to live in right now and it does seems to make the dust settle and the daze a little clearer in my heart when I read it:

“This is what the Lord says:  “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it and you will find rest for your souls….”~ Jeremiah 6:16

 

So, here we are….

at our new “home” on the Kelly Road.  It has been a bit since I posted and the whirlwind of moving has taken its toll.  I have thought about sitting down a couple of times to post and those moments seemed to slip by.  I am amazed at how oblivious my boys at times seem to be at all the changes and then other times they are so in touch with things it almost scares me and even delights my heart.

Last time I wrote about Jakob’s poem – a true treasure.  Well, this boy seems to be very in touch with my heart right now.  Last week on Tuesday he was extracted from school by Roger and taken to grandpa’s shop (many good things have come from this place) to fulfill a desire he had.  To build me a miniature “lake house” like the one he drew next to his poem.   It is beautiful and a true gift of the heart.  I am working on finding the right spot for it.

I found myself at a friend’s table last week.   I felt drawn there.  In those final hours of raw emotion before the mover’s came Thursday morning I needed a little reprieve from staring at all the work to still be done.   As we talked I described the feeling of reading a book that you become lost in.  The characters are so real, you live in their stories and at times even dream about them and then before you know it the thick part of the book is on the left side of your body and the pages on the right are slowly fading and although you want to make it last you can’t.  Eventually, the good book does end and even though you know there are more good reads out there, you still feel a bit depressed and want another chapter and even better the next book in the series.

Our time at North shore feels like that.  I picked up the book and did not realize how much I would enjoy it, become lost in it, delighted in the pages of our days there and as it wound down it just felt like I want to somehow stop time and make it last.  I fight with feelings of regret.  This is not a new place for me but one that comes at me often and I have learned with the Spirit’s help to be aware of what I decide about myself and my God in the middle of these feelings.  I especially felt this way the Sunday night before we moved.  It felt paralyzing and I realized that I desired to mark the end with some relishing of what I could.  So, Monday and Tuesday afternoons I enjoyed some time in my bathing suit on our deck.  It felt great to get my first kiss from the sun for the season on our deck.  I had an impromptu gathering of a few girlfriends for martinis on Tuesday afternoon and the kid’s enjoyed the yard for one last time with their friends.  I took some deep breaths of the lake-filled air, I snapped pictures of the boys outside and inside, I shot bottle rockets off outside with Jakob on our last night at the house at 10 pm.   I wanted to mark the moments that we had!!

It occurred to me that perhaps this is how I might try to live each of my days.  Feeling the nudges of my heart and acting on them, forgetting the tasks to be done if I know I need to sit down at a friend’s table for a half hour and just share my heart, embracing the moments in front of me for what they are, lost if not enjoyed.

The Kelly Road book is sitting next to my heart.  I’ve read the book jacket and the forward and I guess it is time to open my heart up to what lies inside the pages.  I am sure the storyline won’t disappoint me – the same Author has written its chapters.

 

Love Note

We had a great time at the beach over our Spring Break.  You can check out my Facebook album to see pictures of some of the highlights.  On Saturday morning we dug over 180 clams together – and we could have gotten more but the limit rules stopped that fun for the day.  Coming back from vacation is often hard.  This time was not an exception – the biggest reason being that our move was a mere 10 days away.   Sunday morning I could already feel the pull of reality pushing it’s way into my world – and when Monday hit, it hit fairly hard.  I was tired from our long trip home with lots of Seattle/Tacoma area traffic.  I hit the pillow at about midnight on Sunday and after a hard yoga session Monday morning I was ready for a little down time.  Down time was not in the mix….I just had a week of down time, so I willed myself into a trip to Costco and Fred Meyer for groceries (which were quite lacking in our house) and loads of laundry to be done as well.  I pretend for this day that we are not really moving next week.  In the middle of this space, I decide to pick up Jakob’s book of “published” poems that he brought home right before Spring Break but did not pull out of his backpack until Monday morning before school.  I’ll admit that I was on my way to the bathroom and grabbed it from the table.  I wanted to let him know that I had taken time to look at it when he got home from school on Monday.

Little did I know that when I began to turn the pages I was in for a big surprise.  It was filled with the issues and subjects that bring joy and life to his heart – camping, hunting, animals, nature, knights, swords.  It was dedicated to “My Family, My Dog”.  It has his artwork next to the poems that he wrote.   The book really is priceless and on page 9 I discovered pure gold.  On the top on the page is the following poem:

“A Hunting Trip to Twisp”

On a hunt in Twisp – I wonder what I may find – I see a squirrel – I raise my gun and fire it – Now I have to retrieve it.

Then this poem followed and grabbed my heart causing a cry-session on the toilet that afternoon:

“My Lake House”

I love my lake House – In the summer I love to boat – In fall I rake leaves – In winter I go sledding – In spring I make fires at night.

My Lake House is dedicated to my mom because she loves it.

And I lost it.  The emotions were not despair or regret or even deep sadness because we are leaving the Lake House.  The realization that God sees and knows my heart and all that is there was what had my nose turning deep red and sobs coming out of my body.  The tenderness of the dedication filled my heart with unbelief that my eleven year old son is aware of my heart and the things that I love.  I felt like God was saying through this poem, “I see you, I know you, I realize what I am asking of you…..I am with you.  I know the things you love and are letting go of in this journey of following me.”

Thank you Jakob for being you and your tenderness to what goes on around you and seeing my heart.  Thank you Father for your gaze that never misses what is going on in my life and for this love note sent from your heart through Jakob’s.

 

The Week of Easter – Betrayal & Denial

I wrote the following excerpt last year before I was blogging and just emailed it to some friends and family in my life.   The thoughts and things that God stirred in my heart a year ago are still challenging and comforting to me.  I hope they are to you too:

He Was Betrayed & Denied….

Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. John 6:64

BETRAY 1: to lead astray; especially 2: to deliver to an enemy by treachery 3: to fail or desert especially in time of need

When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. And while they were eating, he said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.” They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely not I, Lord?” Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.” Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely not I, Rabbi?”  Jesus answered, “Yes, it is you.” ~ Mt. 26

Returning the third time, he said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!” Just as he was speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, appeared. With him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him and lead him away under guard.” Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Rabbi!” and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him. ~ Mk. 14

DENY 1: to declare untrue 2: to refuse to admit or acknowledge 3 to give a negative answer to

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.” Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.” ……

Then seizing him, they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. But when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, “This man was with him.” But he denied it. “Woman, I don’t know him,” he said. A little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.”  ”Man, I am not!” Peter replied. About an hour later another asserted, “Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.” Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly. ~ Lk. 22

God has been speaking to me about betrayal for a few weeks now. As the celebration of His work on the cross and victory over the grave has drawn closer His voice has continued to speak to me about the fact that He was betrayed and denied. Most of my life I have read over this part of the Passion as a fact of the story but not much more. “Judas was the disciple that betrayed Christ”….okay, that was a little fact in part of the story (this was my attitude). Yet, this year this strikes at my heart in a fresh and raw way.

At the pinnacle of Christ’s mission on earth God chooses to write into the story that the betrayal will be accomplished through an intimate ally of Jesus. Not only betrayal will happen but denial by a friend of Christ’s inner circle, Peter. As I have heard Jesus speak to me about the feelings in my life of betrayal I have awakened to the fact that He walked the road of betrayal and denial by those closest to Him and LOVED and persevered in spite of it all.

The disciples did not know that Judas was the one who would betray Jesus. I see in this fact that nothing that Jesus ever did during His time with them showed mistrust or keeping Judas at an arm’s length from Him. He loved with impartiality although He knew that this was the one that would betray Him. With Peter….He brought Peter into His inner circle in spite of the fact that Peter would deny Him during His greatest hour of need. He believed in Peter completely, enough to let Satan sift him, knowing that Peter would make it through the time of testing that God was allowing Him to go through. Jesus demonstrated such belief in Peter although Peter was the one that would verbally deny Christ, He used and entrusted Peter with the building of His church.  Amazing!!

I have so much in my heart when it comes to these thoughts….much more than I have the time to write about. One thing that has been made so clear to me is that in my story many of my wounds, when looked at closely, have at the root of them feelings of betrayal and/or denial. These feelings of betrayal and denial can be from people in my life and at times even toward God. This has hit me in the heart….Christ going through betrayal and denial so that I can in my areas of these same feelings identify with Him and look to Him as my example of how to walk in this space of pain and fear.

The fact that Christ went through betrayal and denial at the time in His story shows me that God knows this is something that will come at us time and again, regardless of how long we have known and walked with Him. The Enemy comes at us with these messages, which bring with them much doubt, discouragement and feelings of injustice, at the times where the hour is dire and what God is asking of us, the Enemy is trying to thwart. Betrayal throws me off course, makes me feel as if I must give up, jump ship and more than anything makes me often lose sight of that what God has been calling me to walk in.

As I ponder this in my own story I realize that often times I have succumbed to those feelings listed above and lost sight of the mission that God is calling me to. I also realize that Christ, in the space of knowing and feeling and experiencing all that He did, never failed to love those that “turned their backs” on Him. There was no self-protecting or dishing out of cold feelings that Jesus gave to those around Him. When I have felt betrayed or denied my first instinct is to self-protect, remove myself from those that have made me feel this way and lick my wounds and pour the balm of unforgiveness into them.

I so want to be more like Jesus in this and every space of my life, but especially for some reason He is talking to me about this area of my life right now. Maybe these thoughts are not new to you and that is fine. This is the journey of my heart and because I love you and am walking with you I felt led to share what He has been speaking to me about. May we all continue to journey on and become more like our Teacher Jesus each day.

May He Speak to You…to God be the Glory ~

Sheri Joy

 

Spring Break

I am a task orientated person and when a job like moving our family is upon me I am in FULL GEAR most of the time.  I remember the last time we moved a little over three years ago – I have never felt so exhausted in my life.  This time I have tried to make some changes, like listening to my body and accepting help from friends and family.   I’ve also tried to be more present and real with my feelings.  It has been an act of discipline on many fronts.

Spring Break for my boys fell right smack in the busy weeks of our move.   Today is their first day of break and we are 17 days away from when the big trucks roll in the driveway and a week away from getting possession of the home we are renting out in the county.   So what is on my agenda for the week?   I am happy to say that we are finishing up packing this morning but not for the move.   Roger, the boys and I are planning to head down to our family beach house in Long Beach, Washington for the week.   I need this break and have been moving at a steady pace over the last month or so in hopes that it would be possible to take this week with our family and just relax and get away from all the demands that moving brings.

So……for all of you that have helped in one way or another, thanks for making this break possible and most of all thank you for your friendship and walking this journey with us.  We will dig a clam or bring you back a sand dollar and especially hold you in our hearts as we are resting our bodies and souls for the week.

 

One Month and Counting

If you’ve been following my journey in seeking God’s heart and trying to remain present and honest with my own in regards to our moving, then this post will be some what of an update.  If you have not, you may want to read back a bit further because I am going to try and not repeat myself and the places I’ve been in my heart in response to surrender and obedience to what God has placed before me at this time in my life.

Officially we now do not own the home we are living in but have become caretakers of it until our time here is up, May 1st to be exact.   We also have a moving date as of today,  April 23rd, a mere one month down the road.  I know that it will go so fast and sometimes I have to fight to keep myself from spinning out about all the work we still have ahead of us.

I’ve been doing the mental list and sometimes verbal exclamation of all the things I will not miss about this house:  the white vinyl floor in the kitchen that never feels clean to me, the dark front porch entry to our home, the stairs, the enormous amount of yard work usually beginning to scream at me during this time of the year, the grey carpets, the toilet that never has seemed to flush right since we moved in, the feeling of looking for kids that I can’t see and praying they have not fallen into the lake while my back was turned, the mortgage payment, maintaining the hot tub, the way the basement is freezing in the afternoon when the sun pours in upstairs and triggers the thermometer to go onto “off mode”…..I think you get the picture.

I could probably even list more things but the truth is there is another part of my heart to be honest with.  Even though I won’t miss aspects of this dwelling and property there are things that I know are irreplaceable that I have experienced here and I hope to carry them as sweet spots in my heart and memory:

*The magic of waking up to a summer day and knowing all we have to do is step out the door and we are at our own resort. 

*Eating breakfast outside in the warm sun, eating lunch outside in the warm sun, eating dinner outside in the setting sun while kids are still splashing in the water.

*Sitting on the lakeside patio in my lounge chair and waving as a friend arrives and walks down my lawn dressed for an afternoon of soaking up the sun.

*Swimming a few docks down and back with a girlfriend, chatting it up all the way.

*Watching my kids as they hunt for crawdads and fish in the shallow water.

*Watching my kids race down the dock and drop into the water with delight and joy.

*Hot tubing at night with Roger under the stars and the occasional skinny dipping session – don’t tell the neighbors!

*Knowing that after doing the dinner dishes on a hot day I can take another dip to cool myself off.

*Having to call my kids in from swimming on a fall morning to go to school.

*Carving our pumpkins the last few years out on our deck on a glorious fall day with the lake as a backdrop.

*The way the mist rising off the lake in the fall reminding me of the Holy Spirit and the way He moves.

*Getting the cozy little guest house ready for family and friends.

*The two holly trees that are beautiful in our yard and I cut off as many branches as I want during the holidays.

I’ll stop there even though I could continue on in this train of thought as well.  It almost feels like the last three years have been somewhat of a dream.  I thought to myself today, “You know if I am completely honest I never really felt like we would settle in this house.”  Wow – this is the first time I’ve ever outwardly admitted that thought.  The many times I’ve driven down our little lane it never quite felt like this was going to be our home for ever.  I still have yet to change the name on the inside of our mailbox from the previous owners and it all makes me realize that maybe my heart has never fully relaxed here.  In this realization I also wonder if that is how our hearts are meant to live – not quite settled in this temporary world, because when we settle we decide this is it!  I know there is so much more than what I see, so much more than what I hear and even at times believe. 

My heart yearns to know a home eternally and that desire has been put there by my Master Contractor who claims that a place is being prepared for me and you know what?  I bet it has no grey carpet or vinyl floor and it does have sweet sun and calming water on its borders.   I can’t wait to see it and THAT is one thing that has kept me centered and hopeful during this process. (Tears coming now as I reread this….)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God,trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  ~ John 14:1-3